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Our “toy”

My folks don’t live in Southern California. They reside in Northern California, and that has always been just far enough away but close enough to keep me sane. Don’t misunderstand, I love my family, but I’m really independent and haven’t lived near them since graduating high school and it just works for me.

BUT, ever since having a child, suddenly, they are almost too far away. My mom and dad, foreseeing this with their parental spider-sense, decided, back in 2006 when I was pregnant, to buy a beach house in Long Beach so that they’d have a place to stay when they came to visit. They have been coming down once a month now for the past two years and it works out really well, because we get to see them often but my husband and I don’t have to entertain overnight guests. My folks are genius. And, I want to say that although I realize their main objective when they visit is to see their grandson, my mom is awesome and goes out of her way to make me feel like she really wants to visit with me and my husband too. :)

So, the point of all this is that my folks are in town now – and that is where the funny comes in. As I was chatting with my hunky hubby on the way home from work yesterday, he asked if I was almost to daycare to pick up our son. I laughed and said, no, explaining that my mom offered to pick him up so that she and my dad could hang out with him for a little bit before I got home from work

My husband paused and said, “Why does everyone want to play with our toy”.


After I stopped laughing, I responded with “Because he is shiny and new”?

But I know it is more than that. Children are heaven on earth. Sometimes messy and exhausting but nothing heals like the smile and laughter of your child. My parents never, ever, ever pressured me to have kids but now that they are grandparents and have the taste for how wonderful it is, I’m getting the when are you going to have another baby and you shouldn’t wait too long comments from my mom on a more regular basis.

Which leads out of the funny and into the serious; we’ve been trying and trying and trying and not getting pregnant. We went through fertility to have Mattias and I had secretly hoped that we’d be that lucky couple that tried for so long, did fertility, miscarried and finally got pregnant and had a beautiful baby then got pregnant again with their second, without trying, super easy but we are not that couple. It was my secret hope but it was never my secret belief. I think I’ve always known that it just wouldn’t be easy. By the way, I refuse to call it “infertility”, as I’m am trying to look at the glass as half-full.

I’m ready to try fertility again and I wanted to start next month but my husband is dragging his feet. I think his fear stems from the fact that there is a good chance it will work and suddenly we’ll be catapulted to a family of four. So I understand his trepidation because I agree that going from one child to two is a bit daunting. Especially with two working parents and his firefighter work schedule, which keeps him away from home 24-72 hours at a time or like this week, five days in a row. And sure, it is super easy to take one child just about anywhere (and we have) and will be harder with two but I know we can handle it and I look forward to it.

But I’m also in a bit of a quandary because I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining about not being able to get pregnant when I have a beautiful son. But it is frustrating, and sometimes I feel broken. Our fertility issues were never discovered, only labeled as unidentified. And for someone with a “fixer” personality like mine, that is difficult to comprehend because I don’t understand it and I cannot fix or control it.

I’ve have several friends who have had trouble getting pregnant with their first and, lately, a few have trouble getting pregnant with their second child. I’ve had more discussions about fertility treatments in the past two years then I ever thought possible and in a way, it has been therapeutic. It doesn’t change the longing or desire but it does make you realize that everyone has a story and that you can draw strength from that to renew your hope.

In the past month, two of my friends miscarried. My heart broke for both of them. I miscarried in January 2006 and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It is such an emotional beating and not something that happens in 24 hours and is then over. The physical part can last upwards of two weeks and for some, like myself, require surgery. The emotional part can last even longer. I know that there is a reason for it, and in our case, I was almost 10 weeks and it turned out that the baby (a boy) had an extra #10 chromosome which, we were told, is rare but severely life-threatening so my body did what it needed to do and although it was heart-wrenching, I am thankful for that. Pregnancy is fragile, and just not easy for everyone.

Years ago, Brooke Shields did an interview about their quest for conception and she made a comment that I truly understand. Something to the extent of, Everything they went through made her realize that she didn’t just want to have kids, but that she really, truly wanted to be a mother. Powerful realization. Motherhood is a blessing. Whether you have your own or adopt, children are an amazing gift.

So to those of you that, like me, are trying and having issues please hang in there. For those of you that were able to get pregnant easily, please cherish that gift.

Here is a quote I like, but I do not know who said it.

When the world says, “Give up”, Hope whispers, “Try it one more

And one more for the road

“Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark”. ~George Iles



  1. Wow Coreen that was awsome, so well said. I thank god every day that I have my son…every day, he was the best surprise I have EVER been given. I know your feelings, my best friend is going through them right now too, hang in there sweetheart. Thank you for that honest post, I really enjoyed reading it and I also think your toy is just so precious! have a wonderful weekend~

  2. > By the way, I refuse
    > to call it "infertility"

    Amen, sister! :-)



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