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Pour your heart out: When you don’t have the words or you have too many

Everyone has a story when it comes to getting pregnant, and, sadly, most of my friends, myself included, didn’t get pregnant easily and we’ve all suffered loss in some form.

But this past year has been especially difficult for three of my friends. One had three miscarriages back-to-back and was told she ran a high risk of having another. One miscarried, didn’t get pregnant for another two years, then lost that baby in the 2nd trimester and has since had two IVF attempts not take. One beat cancer but at the cost of her uterus and ovaries, but did an egg retrieval before treatment, has six “babies” just waiting for a womb but has had two surrogates back out for personal reasons. And on top of all that horribleness, which is more than one person should ever endure, they are also dealing with the high costs and high emotions of seeking medical help.

When I hear what they are going through it hits me in the gut like it was happening to me because I know what it is like to want something so much and have it just out of your reach. I wish I could do something, anything, for them.

Because I am a fixer and there has to be a solution.

But I either don’t have the words to tell them to keep hope in their heart. That they are in my prayers. That they will be moms someday.

Or I have too many words that they don’t need to hear because they don’t want a fucking cheerleader. They don’t want to hear that they will be moms someday when that day seems unattainable. They don’t want to hear they are in my prayers when theirs aren’t being answered. They don’t want to know that I think spending every cent you own to have a baby is worth it. Or that there are always options.

Because my words can’t fix it.

But you are in my prayers and I hope you keep trying. And I will be here for you, silently or screaming at the top of my lungs. Whatever you need from me to get you through.

Because we are in this together, you are my sisters of choice and I’ll share your loss just like I’ll share your joy.

Need to pour your heart out? Get more info at Things I Can’t Say.



  1. Sending prayers for your friends. I can’t imagine how hard this is.

    • Gingerbreadmama says:

      thank you. Nobody should have to go through that much to have a baby. Why can’t it just be easy?

  2. It’s funny, we spend half our lives trying not to get pregnant and then the next half (for some) trying to do nothing but.

    Thanks for this and love to all your friends.


    • Gingerbreadmama says:

      “we spend half our lives trying not to get pregnant and then the next half (for some) trying to do nothing but.”

      Isn’t that the truth?


  3. I have two friends now going through similar situations. And it is hard. Because you want to let the know that you’re there for them. But, I think oftentimes it’s not something that they want to talk about, even though it’s at the forefront of their mind.

    Just let the know that you’re there for them if they need anything. Send an encouraging card, go out to dinner, get a mani/pedi together- just do normal things that let them know you care.

    I’ll be praying for your friends. No woman should have to endure so much. I feel so incredibly blessed that both of my pregnancies have been so wonderful.

    Visiting from PYHO.

    • Gingerbreadmama says:

      Thank you. I love this advice, “just do normal things that let them know you care”.

  4. My heart goes out to your friends. I suffered a miscarriage before getting pregnant with my son. I have a friend that an infection in the placenta and lost her daughter halfway through her pregnancy. Its not fair. I hope your friends all have the joy of becoming mommies very very soon.

    I am sure they appreciate knowing that if they want comfort or a shoulder, you are there.

    Stopping by from PYHO.

    • Gingerbreadmama says:

      Thank you for stopping by. An astounding number of women lose babies or have fertility issues. It is not fair.

  5. Horseshit.

    I’ll say it again: Horse. Frickin. Doody. Caca.

    Of COURSE we need cheerleaders. Every little bit helps. We *need* to be talking about this stuff. It’s vital to our central, core being.


    I can’t imagine going through any of it without your love and support (and wildly inappropriate comments/jokes, per my strict request). Any thing you do, no matter how grande or small a gesture, puts love out there into the universe for those of us who had to wade through these murky depths of despair. And you know what? All that love makes a huge difference.

    Both you and my dear friend Michelle taught me: Always start from hope.

    Without you guys as my cheerleaders, I wouldn’t have found the starting line.

    aka: the girl who got cancer, got spayed,
    but got 6 kidscicles in between

    • Gingerbreadmama says:

      I love you! You are an exception (and exceptional). Like you, I share (and I sometiimes overshare) because that is how I process the good, the bad and the ugly. But not all my friends are like that so I just want to give them what they need.

      Yes, I am a firm believer in “Always start from hope”.

      And you know I’ll be cheering in your corner always. Hell, if I wasn’t pushing 41 and could guarentee I wouldn’t end up on bedrest again, you know I’d carry your babies for you. I wish with all my heart that was a gift I could give you.

      • And that is why I adore you. :)

        I must admit, I was a little shocked to come to your blog and see myself in the article above. That was very nice of you to put our story out into your little corner of the universe to educate others. Thank you.

        :) Kara

        • Gingerbreadmama says:

          I should have told you but I didn’t even know I was going to write this until right before I did. I was moved by Shell’s post and had never participated in PYHO before and this subject has been on my mind so I just wrote it out right then and there and posted it.

          Did you see that Martha Stewart’s daughter Alexis had a baby girl via gestational surrogate a few month’s ago?


      • Obrdiago BCool vou vê-la! A do Rangel tinha visto (e achei fraca, apesar de, como disse, nutrir grande simpatia por ele), só não tinha acesso à do Fernando Tavares.

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      • Sorry to have missed it this year Moles, much going on, Sundays not suiting, Claudia in for collarbone Op today and then Friday if they don’t do it today.Cake looks brilliant!Matt, you should back off completely for at least a week now as it reminds me of the old school training ethos of allowing the body recovery time before the immune system is lowered and then bites you with flu or similar.Hope to see you out on the tarmac soon if not the trails.

  6. Brittany Dahl-LaFlair says:

    WOW! I will say it is wonderful to have friends who love you through these difficult times. When faced with obstacles that seem insurmountable in achieving “pregnancy” … Sometimes we just need a friend who says nothing but gives us a look of a hug that speaks a million words. It is at times like these that words are not enough, love is not enough… nothing can drowned out the beating of the baby drum relentlessly hammering away in our hearts. We stand at the glass door of our dreams watching what looks like everyone on the planet knocking one out of the park. We are like women on a solo mission… the many, the proud, the infertile… In my own case, I suited up in my fertility flack jacked and hammered… no assulted my way through the halls of fertility treatment for nearly 12 years and simultaneously plowed through nearly $500,000.00. I have been poked, prodded, scanned, lazered, cryo-freezed, received an egg donor( love ya lil’ sister xoxo), endured 7 rounds of IVF, thawed and froze more embryos than should really be allowed all to end up with a stack of embryo photographs… trust me you seriously can not hang these on your wall or frame one for your desk. What would the caption read anyway??? Future hopeful?.. flash fowward to 2004…I decided that I wanted to be a Mommy. When I envisioned being a Mommy, I realized that being pregnant was not really what I wanted. What I wanted was a baby, a sure thing…. In 2004 I reconcilled myself that I was done. It was time to take down my uterine mug shot from OBGYN monthly. I was done. I made the last call and embarked on a new mission… Operation Baby Cakes… became a Mommy the minute I started our international adoption. I was terrified, scared , anxious, nearly crazed and within one year…lil Baby Cakes arrived through a different birth canal… US CUSTOMS…. A three foot stack of paper, hundreds on notaries, quite a few appostilles, 6 intense rounds of Pimsleurs Russian for beginners, 8 trans-atlantic flights, one hundred million boxes of Kleenex and a million billion unanswered prayers and one really frightening Russian Judge and VOILA! I am a mommy. So I say to you “the fertile challenged” if you want to be pregnant then keep trying … only you will know what your done point is. If you want to be a Mommy and need a sure thing…check your options, know your heart. Ours was “unexplained infertility” pardon me but at the time I was like what the fuck does that mean? Funnny my lil BabyCakes is soon to be 8 years old. Shortly after he came home I picked him up from daycare and he made me a picture. I have it framed over the couch in the living room. The unexplained part is finally explained quite simply… I am meant to be Mason’s Mommy…. Love to all my sisters still on the journey… may you find your peace, may you find your heart and may you stay the course whatever that me be…and alawys… always…. always….. EXPECT A MIRACLE! XO, Brit

    • Gingerbreadmama says:

      Thank you Brittany, for sharing your story. You rule! And you are so right in the fact that it’s about how much you want to be a mommy. If you get to the point where you’ve done all you can and getting pregnant isn’t going to happen, there are other options. By the way, I’m adopted and have a very special place in my heart for others that do.

      Mason is the luckiest boy in the world to have you. And you him. By the way, i LOVE this line, “lil Baby Cakes arrived through a different birth canal… US CUSTOMS…”

      And what does “unexplained infertility” mean? We were labled “undetermined infertility” when we were going through it all. It’s just not a helpful. you are already stressed and it’s such a broad label.


      • duuude that top is amazing! How the hell is that $17…in NEW YORK??? You must have some kind of magic thrifting vibes or something. Also, I love the outfit you're wearing it with, weird just makes it better.When you come back to NY you should go to No Relation Vintage in the East Village. It's like the Narnia of clseeto…thhy have all this absolutely ridiculous and beautiful stuff that it's great to just gawk at even if you don't actually buy anything.

  7. While I didn’t have fertility issues myself, I still often wonder why some people, who would make wonderful parents, have so much trouble conceiving, and then people who have absolutely NO business being parents, can pop them out like crazy. I can only imagine how frustrating that is for those with fertility issues!

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