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Unexpected

Have you ever had that moment when everything feels just right? Lately I have. My life feels right. I have my beautiful boy and girl, my husband and I are in sync, we’ve got this two kids thing down. I’m working hard on making one on one time with my husband, balancing being a mother with being a wife. I’m getting into shape, finding my niche with running and have even started trail running. I’ve purged the baby stuff; the maternity clothes, books, car seat, even the bjorn. We are a family of four, complete, done. When my brother had a baby this past summer, I was a little worried that I’d want another one, that I’d get that tug in my heart, and the butterflies in my tummy, but no. I snuggled and held my nephew for eight hours but when I had to go, there was no longing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a baby person. I love babies, especially newborns, but I’m done. It feels right.

That said…I’m pregnant.

I’m 41, and I recently joked that I’d only have a third child if I were younger and sprouted an extra pair of arms. I swore the only reason I’d get pregnant again was if I could surrogate for my friend. I don’t know how this happened. Well, I do know, of course. I’m well-versed in the birds and the bees. And I’m fairly certain the sexy queen bee costume and that extra glass of wine at that Halloween party probably helped. But I don’t know how getting pregnant without help from our fertility doctor happened to us. For 10 years my husband and I didn’t practice safe sex and we didn’t get pregnant. Didn’t even have a scare. When we were actually trying to start a family, we never got pregnant on our own. All three of our pregnancies (we miscarried before we had Fussypants) were helped along. And yet, I’m pregnant. just. like. that.

When I first realized I missed my period, pregnancy wasn’t my go-to thought. I went to webmd and looked up menopause. I did. But when the only symptom I had was a missed period, I got a pregnancy test. When the word pregnant emerged I burst into tears. I was at work. And the tears were not of joy. I spent the first two days in shock and denial and a part of me is still cowering in that room. My husband was the first and the last person I wanted to tell, he was at work and when I called him, it wasn’t a good time for him to talk. I made an appointment with my ob/gyn to have blood work done the next day to confirm and then waited. Not being in the fertility loop means answers are not instantaneous. I had to wait another day to get the results. My HCG and progesterone were lower than they should be for as far along as I thought I was so my doctor sent me to have an ultrasound, to make sure it wasn’t an etopic pregnancy. Everything looked fine at the ultrasound but the baby was small and they could not detect a heartbeat. My doctor was not overly concerned; she said I was probably not as far along as I thought I was. Then she said that it could also be that the baby wasn’t developing right. The difference in those two things is as vast as the ocean. 

And admitting this is difficult but part of me felt relieved that this pregnancy might not be viable. Which caused another round of tears, it makes me cry now, thinking about it. How could I, a mother and a big-hearted person, feel relief that the baby might not be ok? A baby that could be as wonderful and beautiful as my son and daughter? How could I feel anything other than concern? After everything we went through ourselves, after everything some of my friends are going through now, I know that babies are a gift from God and that pregnancy is fragile and precious. But I never thought I’d be pregnant again, and part of me isn’t sure I want to be.

But I am.

When I told my husband how I felt, and what a horrible person I was for feeling that way, he told me to go look at our children’s faces and see the proof that I am not a horrible person. I needed to hear that.

Tomorrow I take another blood test and will probably have another ultrasound later this week. I should have answers by Wednesday. And as much as I don’t want to be pregnant, I do want this baby that I never imagined having to be ok and if it is, then we’ll look at it as a bonus, not a whoops.

But no matter what happens, whether we stay a family of four or blossom into a family of five, our family will be just right.

gingerbreadmama

Comments

  1. good luck. it will all work out the way that it is meant too. have faith.

  2. You’ll be an awesome mom of 3, just like you’re an awesome mom of 2. Either way, it’s understandable and ok to be nervous, scared, and overwhelmed.

  3. You are anything but a horrible person. You are human and I believe the feelings you are experiencing are natural. I remember feeling the same way a year after I had Lucas and found out I was pregnant. I had just gotten back into my pre-pregnancy jeans and wasn’t ready yet. And now, 18 months and four miscarriages later, I am LONGING for another baby. I also believe everything happens for a reason, as trite as that might sound. Perhaps you were meant to be the mother of three. :) I am so very happy for you and wish you all the very best. I also wanted to tell you how much I appreciated you calling to tell me in person. I respected you before but that was a very classy thing to do. Thank you. xoxo

    • Gingerbreadmama says:

      XO You know you are one of my people, who I tell all my news to first. I know how hard your journey for another child has been and you are on my prayer list. Thank you for being there for me.

  4. Hi Coreen!

    You’re right, everything will be just right. I know what you’re feeling though.

    I have two little girls, and had a miscarriage beginning of October this year. I didn’t expect to get pregnant as quickly as I did (I had to stop the pill for a couple of months) and had mixed feelings at the beginning too. I didn’t know how I would cope with three. I LOVE my daughters and have been a SAHM ever since I had my first. I always wanted three children, but when I finally got pregnant I started to panic too and didn’t know who to talk to about my feelings… I felt like a terrible person for having mixed feelings. I think the hormones had an affect on my way of thinking…

    I don’t know you in person, but I know you’re a wonderful Mom.

    Keep me posted! Thinking of you xoxo

  5. I just wanted to add that, unlike me, you found the right words to express your feelings.

  6. OpinionsToGo says:

    I have no doubt in my mind that you will be as awesome with 3 adorable kids as you are with 2 adorable kids. And, I for one look forward to all the beautiful photos.

    P.S. We had 3 planned pregnances and our forth came as a huge surprise…a lovely surprise, I might add!

  7. I cried when I found out that I was pregnant with number three. I thought I was done. The timing was awful, We moved to a new country when I was 8 mos pregnant far from family and friends. I cried to a complete stranger in the drs office after we moved. But the happy ending was that number three turned out to be ESSENTIAL for me. God knew it, what an unexpected gift He gave me. Thirteen years later my number three son continues to be a joy and help to me that I would be incomplete without. Hang tight, you are not a horrible person and you will make it through enriched by this experience whatever the outcome.

    • Gingerbreadmama says:

      Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so happy to know that your unexpected news worked out in the best possible way.

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  8. I was just where you are about five months ago. So I can understand exactly how horrible those tears and feelings feel. ::hug:: I definitely feel like this little one maneuvered around all of the obstacles to get to where he is, so he’s already got loads of my respect. In any case – you got this! Best of luck with this little one. Extra ::hug::

  9. oh. my. good. gravy.

    You and I are just mere days apart with our birthdays and my heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach when I read the word “pregnant”. I, too, would freak the hell out. Please don’t judge yourself too harshly. I think anybody in their proper mind would fall apart.

    That being said… Yeah! A baby!!! Another baby to fall in love with! A baaaaaaby!

    I’ll sit by with my fingers crossed and wait for an update.

    (and you might want to call Carrie B. for some advice on mommying three — that’s just batshit crazy).

  10. Oh.My….Tonya sent me over here today and I cannot even imagine! I remember feeling so “done” and content, and happy. And you can love, LOVE babies and your own children but be totally blown out of the water by news like this.

    Wow.

    Waiting for your news, and just know that you are not the only person in the world who’s been surprised by this news and not rushed right out to buy onesies.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] a deeper respect for my friend Coreen, who called to tell me about her new addition personally. Thank you, Coreen, I’m wishing you nothing but the best. [...]

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