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Lost in my mind

“Momma once told me
You’re already home where you feel loved
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind”

I appreciate all the love and support I’ve received from my family and friends during this time. I am still conflicted about this unexpected news, which is messing me up. I’m usually mentally strong but not right now.

My blood test results were not postive but also not conclusive. My progesterone levels went down and although my HCG went up, it didn’t double from last week. My doctor’s quote was, “your levels are not going up as we expect them to”. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday but I don’t know if we’ll have answers then either. When we miscarried (because we were in the arms of fertility we had ultrasounds weekly) we saw the heartbeat twice, before he stopped developing. The low HCG is disconcerting, because I think that even if we see a heartbeat on Friday, it may not mean the baby is thriving. And the not knowing and the waiting is draining me. 

I just don’t know what I want. Part of me does not want to be pregnant and have another baby but the other part of me can’t help thinking about how my husband and I created something so amazing, without even trying. There is just a beauty in that.

I feel like I am the punchline of a bad joke about contradictions.

I hope to have answers on Friday.

gingerbreadmama

Comments

  1. You don’t have to be strong right now. Feeling lost is okay.

    I know you are experiencing a lot of emotions right now and I won’t pretend to understand, but whatever will be ,will be and it will be okay either way. I’m always here for you and wishing you the best. xoxo

  2. I agree with Tonya. You’re allowed to feel lost. I was totally lost. I am still very fragile.
    Take care of yourself xoxo

  3. Sending you a hug from over here. I love you and want you to know that.

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