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Miscarriage sucks

The flowers my husband brought to my work, as a surprise

Miscarriage sucks for so many reasons. It’s an emotional rollercoaster, a physical drain. Even though this pregnancy was unexpected and at first I wasn’t sure how I felt, every day I was pregnant I was more comfortable with the idea of having a third child. You can’t help but imagine the what’s next, what the baby will be like, if it is a boy or girl, names…

 
This past week was a really rough week for me. I felt like I needed a sign that said, “I’m going through a miscarriage so either back the f*@k off or give me a hug” because I wasn’t able to just curl up in the fetal position and cry, like I wanted. My friend Tonya shared a quote that explains it well, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.”
 
Life goes on.
 
I had to keep a smile on my face, and keep putting one foot in front of the other because I have children, a career, things that required my attention. I swear, on my death bed I should be given an academy award. I’m sure there are many of us that feel deserving of that accolade. Sometimes, you just have to keep on keeping on.

This is my second miscarriage but the saddest part of that is that I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the women I know who have also suffered this loss. I read a static that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is a staggering number.

Most of my friends have had multiple miscarriages, and unfortunately I even know a few who have had as many as four. It’s unimaginable. And difficult to discuss. But we are unified in our pain and misery, and keeping quiet about it just isn’t my nature.

I meant to publish this post yesterday, so that today would be a fresh start but I just wasn’t up to it. We found out last Friday that the baby wasn’t growing and had no heartbeat. So I had a D & C yesterday. 

And now,  my procreation quest has come full-circle. My first miscarriage in 2006 also resulted in a D & C,  and even though it was a different doctor, it was in the same surgery center as my last D & C, because it will be my last, I’m not going through this again.

We are going to be very diligent in our birth control moving forward and remain a family of four. And I’m more than ok with that. I love my life, my husband, my boy, my girl. And as much as another baby would have been welcome, we are done.

Things happen for a reason and while I’m not sure yet what the reasoning behind our unexpected pregnancy and then the loss is yet, there is a positive take-away. My husband and I got pregnant without trying. That had never happened for us before. After so many years of trying to get pregnant without success, and my husband asking “is this procreation or pleasure” (and it was rarely just pleasure) and only ever getting pregnant with help from our fertility doctor, we did it. We had a good time, just us, with no agenda and we made a baby. And even though that baby is now back with God, I have that knowledge in my heart that we created something beautiful, without trying.

Thank you to my husband, my family and my friends, who have given me love and strength these past few weeks. I hope I can always be that type of strength and inspiration to you.

Life goes on.

Every day is a new day.

So far, so good.

gingerbreadmama

Comments

  1. I know this was an incredibly difficult journey, and I am so sorry you had to go down this road.

    Hugs to you…

  2. I’m so very sorry that this happened. Lots of hugs to you.

  3. OpinionsToGo says:

    You handled everything with so much grace. There are so many people who care about you…me included! I just know that 2012 will be a banner year!

  4. Awe, I’m sending you a hug. A big one. I know, being one of the “ones” in three completely sucks. A million times over. Hope you wake up tomorrow feeling better, and even moreso the day after that…

    • Gingerbreadmama says:

      Thanks Aimee. I hope you are feeling well, any day now, right? (Both my kids were early, so be warned, it happens). I can’t wait to see pics of your new baby girl.

  5. My heart hurts for you, my friend. You and I have discussed the pain of miscarriage before and I am so sad that you’re going through it again. Know that I am thinking of you and I love you even more for being so vocal about it, rather than hiding it like it is shameful.
    Roses…

    • Gingerbreadmama says:

      Korie, you always know what to say. Thank you my friend. I miss you, any plans to come visit SoCal? I think the last time I saw you was your wedding. Too long, too long.

      Roses to you…

      • I think I might be heading to AZ in June, but that is probably as far west as I will get. Fancy a trip to Mesa in the summer? Maybe we can rally some other sisters and have a massive playdate at my mom’s house!

        • Gingerbreadmama says:

          I might be able to swing AZ in June, my brother is in Phoenix and I owe him a visit. Let’s talk when it gets closer!

  6. I feel your pain Coreen. Sending you lots of love xoxo

  7. Brittany Dahl-LaFlair says:

    A life no matter how brief can touch us is such unexpected ways. Some angels leave us far too soon yet stay forever in our hearts…. much love Sister girl..xxoo

  8. Life can throw us some major curve balls, can’t it?

    I’m so sorry, friend. I hate that you had to go through this.

    Again.

    One step at a time, one breath at a time and soon this will all just be apart of your past, a chapter in your life.

    Hugs to you. xoxo

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