Have you ever had that moment when everything feels just right? Lately I have. My life feels right. I have my beautiful boy and girl, my husband and I are in sync, we’ve got this two kids thing down. I’m working hard on making one on one time with my husband, balancing being a mother with being a wife. I’m getting into shape, finding my niche with running and have even started trail running. I’ve purged the baby stuff; the maternity clothes, books, car seat, even the bjorn. We are a family of four, complete, done. When my brother had a baby this past summer, I was a little worried that I’d want another one, that I’d get that tug in my heart, and the butterflies in my tummy, but no. I snuggled and held my nephew for eight hours but when I had to go, there was no longing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a baby person. I love babies, especially newborns, but I’m done. It feels right.
That said…I’m pregnant.
I’m 41, and I recently joked that I’d only have a third child if I were younger and sprouted an extra pair of arms. I swore the only reason I’d get pregnant again was if I could surrogate for my friend. I don’t know how this happened. Well, I do know, of course. I’m well-versed in the birds and the bees. And I’m fairly certain the sexy queen bee costume and that extra glass of wine at that Halloween party probably helped. But I don’t know how getting pregnant without help from our fertility doctor happened to us. For 10 years my husband and I didn’t practice safe sex and we didn’t get pregnant. Didn’t even have a scare. When we were actually trying to start a family, we never got pregnant on our own. All three of our pregnancies (we miscarried before we had Fussypants) were helped along. And yet, I’m pregnant. just. like. that.
When I first realized I missed my period, pregnancy wasn’t my go-to thought. I went to webmd and looked up menopause. I did. But when the only symptom I had was a missed period, I got a pregnancy test. When the word pregnant emerged I burst into tears. I was at work. And the tears were not of joy. I spent the first two days in shock and denial and a part of me is still cowering in that room. My husband was the first and the last person I wanted to tell, he was at work and when I called him, it wasn’t a good time for him to talk. I made an appointment with my ob/gyn to have blood work done the next day to confirm and then waited. Not being in the fertility loop means answers are not instantaneous. I had to wait another day to get the results. My HCG and progesterone were lower than they should be for as far along as I thought I was so my doctor sent me to have an ultrasound, to make sure it wasn’t an etopic pregnancy. Everything looked fine at the ultrasound but the baby was small and they could not detect a heartbeat. My doctor was not overly concerned; she said I was probably not as far along as I thought I was. Then she said that it could also be that the baby wasn’t developing right. The difference in those two things is as vast as the ocean.
And admitting this is difficult but part of me felt relieved that this pregnancy might not be viable. Which caused another round of tears, it makes me cry now, thinking about it. How could I, a mother and a big-hearted person, feel relief that the baby might not be ok? A baby that could be as wonderful and beautiful as my son and daughter? How could I feel anything other than concern? After everything we went through ourselves, after everything some of my friends are going through now, I know that babies are a gift from God and that pregnancy is fragile and precious. But I never thought I’d be pregnant again, and part of me isn’t sure I want to be.
But I am.
When I told my husband how I felt, and what a horrible person I was for feeling that way, he told me to go look at our children’s faces and see the proof that I am not a horrible person. I needed to hear that.
Tomorrow I take another blood test and will probably have another ultrasound later this week. I should have answers by Wednesday. And as much as I don’t want to be pregnant, I do want this baby that I never imagined having to be ok and if it is, then we’ll look at it as a bonus, not a whoops.
But no matter what happens, whether we stay a family of four or blossom into a family of five, our family will be just right.




















Pool Safety – Please Read!
Our daughter almost died on Sunday. This is not a joke or an embellishment. Our two year old baby girl fell into the deep end of our pool, wearing a diaper (that gets very heavy when wet), while her father, mother, aunt and older brother were all in the house. I wanted to write about this yesterday but every time I thought about it I started to cry.
What I know…
The pool gate was not closed. None of us adults closed it and none of us, myself, my husband or my sister-in-law can answer why we left it open. But it was.
I was in the kitchen getting dinner ready. My husband and sister-in-law were in the backyard, near the BBQ. Little Miss wandered outside, and I heard my husband say “You don’t have shoes on, so you need to go inside”. I didn’t see her, or my husband or sister-in-law come inside.
I finished what I was doing in the kitchen and went to the living room where my sister-in-law had just sat down with my son and out of the corner of my eye I saw my husband react. I saw him throw papers in the air and run outside. He had been coming out of our office with something he had retrieved off the printer and before the papers could flutter to the ground I knew. I just knew that our daughter was in the pool.
I ran outside after him and he was already in the water, pulling her up. She was conscious. She spit out water and started to cry. She clung to me for 20 minutes before she’d even let me take her diaper off. Her eyes were as big as saucers.
My husband said he didn’t hear anything, not a splash, not a cry. Nobody heard anything. What he saw, what caught his attention, was our dog looking into the pool. He then realized the pool water had ripples. He said when he dove in, she was almost to the bottom. Our two year old was almost at the bottom of the deep end of our pool.
I think of the what ifs and I start to cry. My husband is a hero for noticing what my sister-in-law and I didn’t, but we are all to blame for not closing the pool gate. We are blessed that she is ok, and the pool gate will never be left open again.
According to the CDC every day, about ten people die from unintentional drowning. Of these, two are children aged 14 or younger. Drowning ranks fifth among the leading causes of unintentional injury death in the United States.
Summer is here, doors are open, distractions abound. Please, please, please be safe around the water and take as many precautions as you can. Drowning is silent, it is quick, and it can happen to anyone.
Tips to help you stay safe in the water (sourced from www.cdc.gov)
If you have a swimming pool at home:
If you are in and around natural water settings: