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Pour Your Heart Out: Beyond Salvage

pouryourheart1-e1328022968330This is a difficult subject to write about not only for the subject matter (infidelity in a marriage with children that is now heading for divorce) but also because it’s not really my story to tell, so I have to tell it without too many details. Know that it is not about me, but about people I’m close to and because of this affair, my relationship with all involved with be forever changed.

Someone I love made some very bad choices and did something really stupid and hurt a lot of other people I love. This person knew better. In fact, this person had this done to them a long long time ago so knew deep down what an unforgivable hurt it would cause.

And yet.

They did it anyway. Instead of talking to the multiple someones, myself included,  they should have talked to when things in the marriage were rocky, they instead plunged into an illicit relationship with an outsider.

So maybe that’s what I’m really angry about. I felt blindsided. Why didn’t this person come to me and let me know what was happening before causing irrevocable damage?

When the guilty party called to tell me what was going on, their relationship was already beyond salvage. And I was shocked, then numb, extremely pissed off, sad and pissed off again. Because of my relationship with this person, I have chosen to support them through this mess. I don’t really have a choice, there are just certain things you do for family. But part of me wants to throttle this person. Yell at them. Maybe even throw something. I want to reach out to the other person involved and say I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know, I’m as shocked, pissed and sad as you are. I want to scoop the child in my arms and shelter them from all of it. Kiss it and make it all better. But this other person wants nothing to do with me or my family because of this. I didn’t even know it was going on, but this mistake by another has reverberated far and wide. And that pisses me off too.

I can’t make it better. This didn’t happen directly to me. I’m part of the inner circle but I wasn’t there. I didn’t know until it was too late. And I cannot fix it.

What I can do is listen, be there, offer support and hope that one day my relationship with everyone involved, while forever changed, will somehow mend to the point that we can begin again.

 

 

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Baby Big Girl

 

How my daughter is turning three tomorrow, I have no idea. It seems like just yesterday she was a newborn. In this short period of time, she’s blossomed into a very sweet, sassy, smart, funny, stubborn, silly little girl. She holds her own with her big brother and surprises me every day with something new she’s learned, be it a song, a ballerina dance she’s made up or counting higher than the day before. She “reads” her brother books, feeds the dog water from a spoon and tells me she loves me often, and says thank you when I tell her I love her. She’s my little shadow, wanting to be around only me if I’m in the vicinity and loves to hold my hand “because it fits”, even in the house.

 

When Fussypants was turning three, I was pregnant with Little Miss and I was so ready for him to be self-sufficient. I didn’t miss him needing me to help him go potty, get a snack or put on his shoes. I was on bed rest, but still working, I was ill and exhausted and ready for him to grow up. But knowing that she’s my last baby, makes having her grow up more difficult. I guess I have a bit of the baby blues. I look at my son, about to graduate Kindergarten and my daughter, about to turn 3 and I can’t help but think of them as babies and wonder where the time went. But we are done, our family is what it is, so don’t get any ideas.

 

But back to my baby girl turning three. I know that if she had been a boy, I would have been happy and our family would have been perfect but I’m not going to lie. I love having a daughter. Every woman should have one, it’s such a humbling experience. She can bring me to my knees in a way Fussypants just doesn’t. But he can make me laugh (especially if I am angry) in a way she never has. He is so easy-peasy compared to her. Maybe it’s his personality or maybe with boys what you see is what you get, but we’ve never argued over what underwear he’s wearing that day and Little Miss and I have had daily meltdown spats over the choice of Disney character on her chonies and she’s not yet three. And don’t get me started about trying to brush her hair. We never had terrible twos with him, but the terrible twos started with her when she was 1.5. 90% of the time, she’s sweet and funny but when that 10% hits…watch out. My mom calls it “going dark”. Her whole face changes, clouding over and she stops talking. She’ll screech like a baby pterodactyl, which is unpleasant, and where we could easily use the redirection method with her brother, she’s focused on whatever it is she isn’t getting and pouts. I’m really hoping that she’s outgrown it and that we won’t have a year of the terrible threes.

 

For her birthday, she wanted a bounce house and Cinderella. So we accommodated. A friend of mine from college warned not to peak on the parties at such a young age, but having Cinderella come to the house was amazing. Little Miss was so excited, it was just the most heart-warming thing to watch. She is still talking about her visit, days later. She actually slept in her Princess dress the night of her party. My hunky fireman husband, who had worked three in a  row and was exhausted, even stopped at the Disney store on his way home to buy her a Cinderella crown (so swoon-worthy, he’s such a good daddy) and she wore it all day long.

 

On her actual birthday, my mom and I are taking her to Disneyland and she has an appointment at the Bibbiddy Bobbiddy Boutique to get a Cinderella up do by a Godmother-in-training. Over the top? Maybe. But I have a daughter and can do girlie things like that if I want to.

 

So happy 3rd birthday to my baby big girl. I love you so much, you and your brother fill my heart with sunshine, and I hope you have a wonderful day.

cake candles cinderella. family FPK_Cinderella FPK_hat FPK_princess joy Jumphouse story8

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Miscarriage sucks

The flowers my husband brought to my work, as a surprise

Miscarriage sucks for so many reasons. It’s an emotional rollercoaster, a physical drain. Even though this pregnancy was unexpected and at first I wasn’t sure how I felt, every day I was pregnant I was more comfortable with the idea of having a third child. You can’t help but imagine the what’s next, what the baby will be like, if it is a boy or girl, names…

 
This past week was a really rough week for me. I felt like I needed a sign that said, “I’m going through a miscarriage so either back the f*@k off or give me a hug” because I wasn’t able to just curl up in the fetal position and cry, like I wanted. My friend Tonya shared a quote that explains it well, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.”
 
Life goes on.
 
I had to keep a smile on my face, and keep putting one foot in front of the other because I have children, a career, things that required my attention. I swear, on my death bed I should be given an academy award. I’m sure there are many of us that feel deserving of that accolade. Sometimes, you just have to keep on keeping on.

This is my second miscarriage but the saddest part of that is that I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the women I know who have also suffered this loss. I read a static that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is a staggering number.

Most of my friends have had multiple miscarriages, and unfortunately I even know a few who have had as many as four. It’s unimaginable. And difficult to discuss. But we are unified in our pain and misery, and keeping quiet about it just isn’t my nature.

I meant to publish this post yesterday, so that today would be a fresh start but I just wasn’t up to it. We found out last Friday that the baby wasn’t growing and had no heartbeat. So I had a D & C yesterday. 

And now,  my procreation quest has come full-circle. My first miscarriage in 2006 also resulted in a D & C,  and even though it was a different doctor, it was in the same surgery center as my last D & C, because it will be my last, I’m not going through this again.

We are going to be very diligent in our birth control moving forward and remain a family of four. And I’m more than ok with that. I love my life, my husband, my boy, my girl. And as much as another baby would have been welcome, we are done.

Things happen for a reason and while I’m not sure yet what the reasoning behind our unexpected pregnancy and then the loss is yet, there is a positive take-away. My husband and I got pregnant without trying. That had never happened for us before. After so many years of trying to get pregnant without success, and my husband asking “is this procreation or pleasure” (and it was rarely just pleasure) and only ever getting pregnant with help from our fertility doctor, we did it. We had a good time, just us, with no agenda and we made a baby. And even though that baby is now back with God, I have that knowledge in my heart that we created something beautiful, without trying.

Thank you to my husband, my family and my friends, who have given me love and strength these past few weeks. I hope I can always be that type of strength and inspiration to you.

Life goes on.

Every day is a new day.

So far, so good.

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Little Miss, being cute

Little Miss is a mobile monster now that she’s figured out walking is fun. She still does the wide-leg toddle and it’s the cutest thing ever.

Here is some video of her being cute. For some reason, the sound doesn’t work on one video but the look on her face is too cute not to share.

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Act your age

You are my first born.

You are my only son.

You will always be my baby.

But some days I really need you to act your age.

At almost 4 1/2 you are perfectly capable of getting yourself dressed. Wiping, flushing, and washing your hands. You brush your own teeth, feed the dog, throw your trash away. Navigate the dark hallways, pick up toys, put your dishes in the sink, rummage through the snack cupboard. Sleep through the night.

But lately you want me to do these things with you or for you.

I get it. I’m a big sister, so I understand that it’s hard being the big brother sometimes. Watching us coo and laugh and take pictures of her first steps, her stuffing her face, clapping. Changing her diaper, rocking her to sleep. Giving her so much attention.

And although you are 4 1/2, it’s beyond your capability to understand that we did all this for you too…we captured and celebrated all your firsts, just like we are capturing and celebrating hers.

So please, help mommy out. I’m tired, I’m stressed, I am always doing a hundred things at once and can’t drop them all to help you wash your hands, when the day before you did that by yourself and more.

I promise to spend more time with just you. I promise I’ll help you find your favorite toy, shoe, race car. I promise I’ll read you that second story and snuggle you at night when you wake up scared.

You are my first born.

You are my only son.

You will always be my baby.

But some days I really need you to act your age.

Aren't they peaceful when they sleep?

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Six Word Memoir

Six words to describe something significant in my life. Um, how does a long-winded, soap-box type do that? Not easily. So I wrote six. Six Six Word Memoirs of six words each.

Husband, two kids. Employed, healthy, blessed.

I overaccessorize with stress and exhaustion.

Sometimes I am so over myself.

My family is my whole world.

Adopted. Awesome family. Awesome biological family.

Mama needs a vacation soon, please!

Written for Mama Kat’s Writers Workshop. Prompt 1.) Six Word Memoir: Write about a significant time in your life in just six words.

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Little Miss First Birthday Pics!

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Little Miss – First Year Pictures

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This is now…

How fast a year goes. 365 days, 52 weeks, 8760 hours…blink and you’ll miss it.

Tomorrow my baby, my last baby, will be a year old. It’s difficult to put into words how unaccepting I am of the fact that she is already one.

When Fussypants was a baby he did everything early; walked, talked, got teeth, you name it and he was ahead of the curve and I didn’t mind because he was my first. I didn’t know any better and was excited and proud when he did each new thing.

And now, I am excited and proud when Little Miss does each new thing but it’s also bittersweet. Because this is it. This is the last time I’ll watch my child learn to crawl, my child cut that first tooth, my child find their feet for the first time.

Every day is a milestone, some more momentous than others, but each day is filled with firsts.

I know that there will be many more firsts down the road for both my children and even for myself and my husband (not looking forward to the teen driving and dating years), but the baby stage is a favorite of mine because it’s full of wonder.

Little Miss is sweet, mellow, happy and she rarely has a bad day. She’s just cool like that. Because she is so easy, I am truly enjoying each moment. And because she is my last baby, it’s more noticeable to me that she’s growing up quickly.

And there is nothing I can do about that. 365 days, 52 weeks, 8760 hours…blink and you’ll miss it.

Happy almost first birthday to my baby girl.

Photos taken by the incredibly talented Carrie B of Carrie B Photography and my dear friend. She made me feel beautiful when I was just weeks away from giving birth and feeling anything but. She told me at the time that the pictures were “not for now but as a reminder for later”. And she was right. Looking at these a year later brings back fond memories of the anticipation and joy I had knowing I was creating a life and about to have a girl. Looking back on these now also makes me thankful that I can see my feet.

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Rocking the house

Is Fussypants the next Justin Beiber? Give a listen and you tell me if you have Fussy-Fever!

Fussypants rocks the house - click to listen to Fussypants sing an excerpt from Neon Trees Animal, and discuss boogers.

What? He’s 4.

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