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Pour Your Heart Out: Beyond Salvage

pouryourheart1-e1328022968330This is a difficult subject to write about not only for the subject matter (infidelity in a marriage with children that is now heading for divorce) but also because it’s not really my story to tell, so I have to tell it without too many details. Know that it is not about me, but about people I’m close to and because of this affair, my relationship with all involved with be forever changed.

Someone I love made some very bad choices and did something really stupid and hurt a lot of other people I love. This person knew better. In fact, this person had this done to them a long long time ago so knew deep down what an unforgivable hurt it would cause.

And yet.

They did it anyway. Instead of talking to the multiple someones, myself included,  they should have talked to when things in the marriage were rocky, they instead plunged into an illicit relationship with an outsider.

So maybe that’s what I’m really angry about. I felt blindsided. Why didn’t this person come to me and let me know what was happening before causing irrevocable damage?

When the guilty party called to tell me what was going on, their relationship was already beyond salvage. And I was shocked, then numb, extremely pissed off, sad and pissed off again. Because of my relationship with this person, I have chosen to support them through this mess. I don’t really have a choice, there are just certain things you do for family. But part of me wants to throttle this person. Yell at them. Maybe even throw something. I want to reach out to the other person involved and say I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know, I’m as shocked, pissed and sad as you are. I want to scoop the child in my arms and shelter them from all of it. Kiss it and make it all better. But this other person wants nothing to do with me or my family because of this. I didn’t even know it was going on, but this mistake by another has reverberated far and wide. And that pisses me off too.

I can’t make it better. This didn’t happen directly to me. I’m part of the inner circle but I wasn’t there. I didn’t know until it was too late. And I cannot fix it.

What I can do is listen, be there, offer support and hope that one day my relationship with everyone involved, while forever changed, will somehow mend to the point that we can begin again.




Pour your heart out: When you don’t have the words or you have too many

Everyone has a story when it comes to getting pregnant, and, sadly, most of my friends, myself included, didn’t get pregnant easily and we’ve all suffered loss in some form.

But this past year has been especially difficult for three of my friends. One had three miscarriages back-to-back and was told she ran a high risk of having another. One miscarried, didn’t get pregnant for another two years, then lost that baby in the 2nd trimester and has since had two IVF attempts not take. One beat cancer but at the cost of her uterus and ovaries, but did an egg retrieval before treatment, has six “babies” just waiting for a womb but has had two surrogates back out for personal reasons. And on top of all that horribleness, which is more than one person should ever endure, they are also dealing with the high costs and high emotions of seeking medical help.

When I hear what they are going through it hits me in the gut like it was happening to me because I know what it is like to want something so much and have it just out of your reach. I wish I could do something, anything, for them.

Because I am a fixer and there has to be a solution.

But I either don’t have the words to tell them to keep hope in their heart. That they are in my prayers. That they will be moms someday.

Or I have too many words that they don’t need to hear because they don’t want a fucking cheerleader. They don’t want to hear that they will be moms someday when that day seems unattainable. They don’t want to hear they are in my prayers when theirs aren’t being answered. They don’t want to know that I think spending every cent you own to have a baby is worth it. Or that there are always options.

Because my words can’t fix it.

But you are in my prayers and I hope you keep trying. And I will be here for you, silently or screaming at the top of my lungs. Whatever you need from me to get you through.

Because we are in this together, you are my sisters of choice and I’ll share your loss just like I’ll share your joy.

Need to pour your heart out? Get more info at Things I Can’t Say.