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Lost in my mind

“Momma once told me
You’re already home where you feel loved
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind”

I appreciate all the love and support I’ve received from my family and friends during this time. I am still conflicted about this unexpected news, which is messing me up. I’m usually mentally strong but not right now.

My blood test results were not postive but also not conclusive. My progesterone levels went down and although my HCG went up, it didn’t double from last week. My doctor’s quote was, “your levels are not going up as we expect them to”. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday but I don’t know if we’ll have answers then either. When we miscarried (because we were in the arms of fertility we had ultrasounds weekly) we saw the heartbeat twice, before he stopped developing. The low HCG is disconcerting, because I think that even if we see a heartbeat on Friday, it may not mean the baby is thriving. And the not knowing and the waiting is draining me. 

I just don’t know what I want. Part of me does not want to be pregnant and have another baby but the other part of me can’t help thinking about how my husband and I created something so amazing, without even trying. There is just a beauty in that.

I feel like I am the punchline of a bad joke about contradictions.

I hope to have answers on Friday.



Have you ever had that moment when everything feels just right? Lately I have. My life feels right. I have my beautiful boy and girl, my husband and I are in sync, we’ve got this two kids thing down. I’m working hard on making one on one time with my husband, balancing being a mother with being a wife. I’m getting into shape, finding my niche with running and have even started trail running. I’ve purged the baby stuff; the maternity clothes, books, car seat, even the bjorn. We are a family of four, complete, done. When my brother had a baby this past summer, I was a little worried that I’d want another one, that I’d get that tug in my heart, and the butterflies in my tummy, but no. I snuggled and held my nephew for eight hours but when I had to go, there was no longing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a baby person. I love babies, especially newborns, but I’m done. It feels right.

That said…I’m pregnant.

I’m 41, and I recently joked that I’d only have a third child if I were younger and sprouted an extra pair of arms. I swore the only reason I’d get pregnant again was if I could surrogate for my friend. I don’t know how this happened. Well, I do know, of course. I’m well-versed in the birds and the bees. And I’m fairly certain the sexy queen bee costume and that extra glass of wine at that Halloween party probably helped. But I don’t know how getting pregnant without help from our fertility doctor happened to us. For 10 years my husband and I didn’t practice safe sex and we didn’t get pregnant. Didn’t even have a scare. When we were actually trying to start a family, we never got pregnant on our own. All three of our pregnancies (we miscarried before we had Fussypants) were helped along. And yet, I’m pregnant. just. like. that.

When I first realized I missed my period, pregnancy wasn’t my go-to thought. I went to webmd and looked up menopause. I did. But when the only symptom I had was a missed period, I got a pregnancy test. When the word pregnant emerged I burst into tears. I was at work. And the tears were not of joy. I spent the first two days in shock and denial and a part of me is still cowering in that room. My husband was the first and the last person I wanted to tell, he was at work and when I called him, it wasn’t a good time for him to talk. I made an appointment with my ob/gyn to have blood work done the next day to confirm and then waited. Not being in the fertility loop means answers are not instantaneous. I had to wait another day to get the results. My HCG and progesterone were lower than they should be for as far along as I thought I was so my doctor sent me to have an ultrasound, to make sure it wasn’t an etopic pregnancy. Everything looked fine at the ultrasound but the baby was small and they could not detect a heartbeat. My doctor was not overly concerned; she said I was probably not as far along as I thought I was. Then she said that it could also be that the baby wasn’t developing right. The difference in those two things is as vast as the ocean. 

And admitting this is difficult but part of me felt relieved that this pregnancy might not be viable. Which caused another round of tears, it makes me cry now, thinking about it. How could I, a mother and a big-hearted person, feel relief that the baby might not be ok? A baby that could be as wonderful and beautiful as my son and daughter? How could I feel anything other than concern? After everything we went through ourselves, after everything some of my friends are going through now, I know that babies are a gift from God and that pregnancy is fragile and precious. But I never thought I’d be pregnant again, and part of me isn’t sure I want to be.

But I am.

When I told my husband how I felt, and what a horrible person I was for feeling that way, he told me to go look at our children’s faces and see the proof that I am not a horrible person. I needed to hear that.

Tomorrow I take another blood test and will probably have another ultrasound later this week. I should have answers by Wednesday. And as much as I don’t want to be pregnant, I do want this baby that I never imagined having to be ok and if it is, then we’ll look at it as a bonus, not a whoops.

But no matter what happens, whether we stay a family of four or blossom into a family of five, our family will be just right.